In July I sat down to say that life was in the process of changing and I wasn’t quite sure what I wanted to do with that information. Life is still changing, except now I am even more unsure of what I want to do about it. So, that’s that.
Here is a quick recap of my life these past few months.
- trying to figure out college
- applying to college
- meeting people I wish I had met 4 years ago
- laughing for no reason
- senior year shenanigans
- laughing for many reasons
- staying past close outside of a Starbucks each Wednesday night
- trying to convince myself I have time to do everything
- more college applications
- Mumford & Sons concert that absolutely changed my life
- semi-spontaneous trip to NYC
- Maggie Rogers concert that also changed my life
- learning an insane amount about myself within a span of two months
- Calculus homework
2019 was one of the biggest years of my life. I feel as if I learned an overwhelming amount of lessons this year, which in turn puts me in pursuit of learning more. Here are a few that I came across.
There were many nights this year where life came flooding through every door, all in one moment, with what felt like no way of slowing it down. I experienced my fair share of overwhelming confusion, frustration, and exhaustion. I cried. A lot. But one thing I learned was that life carries on whether or not it recognizes you are crying, frustrated, and confused. Don’t let it leave you behind.
2019 forced me to realize how much life necessitates that you fight. You fight for yourself, for the people you care about, for the things that inspire you, and for everything in between. Things, life, will only work out if we fight for it to. The world will not align in our favor if we do not convince it that we want the universe and everything in it to take our side.
Ever since I can remember, I have been told I am mature for my age. I could write a whole essay on how this has actually hindered my confidence, made me feel alienated, and done probably the complete opposite of what the person delivering that message intended, but instead I will share what that comment has helped me realize about this crazy world. From my experience, I think that maturity relies on one’s ability to meet the expectations of others. However, many people have let their minds settle on the expectation that others are going to let them down. We have to be the people that don’t let them down.
The other night I told my dad that there are many losses and a few wins. Looking back on the few years composed to be my life, I believe this conclusion to be true. If 2019 has taught me one thing, it’s that life is really freaking hard and it’s probably only gonna get harder. But that isn’t what matters. What matters is that, whether or not the world sees we are frustrated, crying, lonely, completely absent from ourselves, or whatever the situation may be, this life is most likely the only we’ve got and we have to do something with that. I’ll let you know when I figure out what that something is.
For a large part of this year, I couldn’t tell if I was losing myself, or if I was just scared by the chance that I was changing in an unfamiliar way. So, in simpler terms, I was challenged by growth. I haven’t quite fully stepped into my shoes, but I think I might have found the pair I am supposed to be wearing.
I will read many books, I will give in to my anger just enough to do some good with it, and I will live more intuitively. I will run and run and run until my lungs burn because that is when music sounds the best. I will write more thank you notes, and give more compliments in pursuit of seeing more people smile. Just as Laura Marling says, I will not be a victim of circumstance. And I will fight and fight and fight for life to work out because I am not gonna let it do otherwise.
Love, Valerie x
Best of 2019