Here I am again. It’s been a while. I would be lying if I said I missed you, but I would also be lying if I said I didn’t.
When I last posted in August, I was a little burnt out. And by a little, I mean a lot. I think it was healthy for me to have one less thing to think about for a bit, but the real reason I shied away is because I hated my writing. My cowardness couldn’t bear to look at it. So, I went a little while without transferring words from my head to a page. And by a little while, I mean a really long time.
There are a lot of things I can say to make it seem like I had this grandiose reflection over 2018 and I’ve figured out all the things I needed to figure out. But that would also be a huge lie. And where’s the fun in having your life together? I am just as tired. I am just as exhausted. I have more questions now than I did at the beginning of this huge mess. I love having some definite answers but the world is so grey that I know I will never be able to answer the questions that are weighing me down. Things are always changing. I get overwhelmed in the fact that I can’t keep up.
But to that I am saying oh well. I might get on here again to discover that it just isn’t going to work and that I don’t have enough courage to sit back and let things keep changing. This could seriously fail and burn out. All over again.
Life is too short to not say screw it and do it anyways. So, I’m going to do it.
If you were in dire need of a recap, here are some things I’ve picked up on. Because after all, there are few things I love more than lists.
- I am an Enneagram 1. Through and through. More to come on that.
- I am an introvert who needs people to remind her that grace exists.
- There is only one hero to the story. And I have to remember that I am not it.
- I have a really good relationship with fasting. And I kinda love it. We should talk about it some time.
- I have to believe that humans are innately communal. I do believe that.
- Mumford and Sons really takes me to a far away place. No, really. It’s magical.
- I realized that the culture of not caring is oversold and overrated. Have some empathy.
- I told myself I didn’t like poetry. It was a lie. After all, it’s everywhere.
- One of my greatest fears is that I am just a sitting bowl of knowledge and not a running engine of experience.
- I could talk about religion for hours. Hours and hours and hours.
- I am happiest when reading a book.
- The work is never done. Ever. There will always be wrongs to right.
- My work ethic can get me farther than most things.
- I would be stupid if I didn’t admit to myself that I am supposed to be using my words. I’ve got too many of them not to.
- Not everything has to be this big grandiose discovery, realization, or exposure. The little things– they’re the biggest.
- I guess I have learned that empathy and curiosity kill our own hearts but have the potential to mend the hearts of so many people. And after wrestling with it day and night, I have come to believe that we are all subject to break a piece of our own hearts. Because if not, I think we have lost the very essence of what it means to be human.
My word for this coming year: GRACE. It is what I must remember I am given. It is what I must pursue for myself and for others. I am always always always needing to be reminded of it.
If something does not contribute to the bettering of myself or the things I love, then there is only so much recognition that it deserves. I will not be scared of healthy competition. I don’t have to be pretty because I am funny. There is a reason I still feel compelled to stop for a moment and look out the window when it begins to rain. I will stay out of my way. I will have more fun. Even though I forget it, the world is a beautiful place.
Let’s just do this thing.
Love, Valerie x
Best of 2018