Been feeling a lot of things recently. Been feeling overwhelming uninspired recently. Been listening to a lot of music recently. Been feeling too burnt out recently. Been going through a bit of a crisis recently. Been thinking a lot lately.
Been thinking that when I look at who I was at the beginning of this year, I see a person so incredibly different that it scares me. My opinions have changed, my people have changed, and my life has changed. Even my default font on Google Docs is different. I was granted newfound freedom but also caged by unwanted realities and responsibilities. I found out how I am both a relic and a new foundation.
Have you ever looked at yourself in the mirror and just wondered how you even made it this far? Like you don’t remember ever getting to this point, but there you are? Standing and wondering when it all happened? How it all happened? Everything seems almost unrecognizable. I don’t think I quite know how to handle it all: this rapid change that is occurring regardless of whether I am acknowledging it or not.
Life has happened, and I didn’t realize that it did. Now I am here and I don’t know how that came to be. The people I used to surround myself with aren’t the people I want to surround myself with anymore. The songs I used to listen to aren’t the songs I want to listen to anymore. The way I used to write my k’s aren’t the way I write my k’s anymore. Little life added up to big life.
I think I have been so caught up in chasing dreams that I have not even written down yet. I’ve gotten caught up in a different story so much that reality passed me by. Life happened. Life is happening. I was too caught up in trying to not miss anything that I actually missed most of it. Can you imagine? I was too caught up in all of these hard things happening around me that I was too blinded to see that such beauty is happening too. I didn’t get to see excitement naturally seep out of me. I didn’t get to see grace naturally seep out of me. I didn’t get to see wonder naturally seep out of me.
But it did. It seeped out of me. And I am here now. I’m taking the blindfold off, ready to watch life perform it’s magic. Life is such a miracle. I feel like I just need to hold its space for a little bit.
Love, Valerie x